English 
SocialOlogy by Jodi Renee Thomas Volume 4. Disappointment is OK
SocialOlogy: Volume 4 – Well, That Was Disappointing
One of the most gut-wrenching phrases in the English language is “I am not angry with you; I am just disappointed.” We hear it from our parents, spouses, bosses, and peers, and each time it manages to make us feel even smaller than we already did for whatever infraction we have made. Often, as the old trope goes, it is a sentence that actually hurts us more than it does them. No one wants to be known as the “disappointment.”
It hurts to let someone down that we care about and/or respect. But we all do, don’t we? Like the scorpion and the frog, it’s in our nature. As human beings, we are fallible. We make mistakes, big or small. We are late picking up our child from school. We aren’t paying as much attention as we should, and accidentally hit the car next to us in our husband’s car, leaving him with a huge settlement to handle. Some days, we wake up, thinking that we have forgotten something and drive ourselves crazy trying to remember what it was. Turns out it was plans with a friend for their birthday. But we just couldn’t bring ourselves to put pants on to leave the house, so they sit alone in a restaurant waiting while we turn our phone off to binge-watch bad TV and eat a pint of ice cream in our pajamas, ignoring that someone is expecting us at any moment. Then we wake up the next morning to 10 missed calls, devastated because not only did we disrespect a friend, but we ate 3-4 servings of dessert by ourselves while watching a show from 1991. It’s a vicious cycle. When we disappoint someone, no matter the scale, it hurts because it shows we are not perfect. No matter who you are, an example like disappointing someone you care for is an ego stab that will take a while to heal.
Even worse, not one of us wants to BE disappointed by someone because it also makes us feel as if we have failed in some way. Thoughts jumble our heads like, “My mom isn’t here to pick me up yet. Does that mean she doesn’t love me?” “My friend has called me every year for my birthday since I can remember, but did not this year. What did I do wrong?“ “I have been waiting for over an hour, but they never showed up. Not even a phone call. I guess that this friend means more to me than I do to them.” These head voices evoke emotions deeper than most of us want to think about, let alone discuss.
However, the feelings from both sides are valid. People are disappointing sometimes, even those of us with the best of intentions. We live, we love, and sometimes we f**k up.
There are so many levels of disappointment. If you are craving your favorite takeout and the place is closed, the frown will last all evening. When a concert is coming up, and you buy tickets before they sell out, showing up all excited… only to get there and just be annoyed because it is nothing like what you expected. Or even something as simple as calling a friend for comfort after a difficult day, only to get, “Well, this is what you SHOULD have done.” Just making you feel worse than you did before.
Then some of us have a parent who promised they would be there for our game/show/performance, and we spend the entire time looking for them in the audience, not focusing on what we are supposed to be doing, but instead thinking about why they didn’t show up. Or, really, the parent who goes out for milk/cigarettes/a walk and never returns… that’s a level of sadness more of us share than we care to think about.
Some are not so deep but still real. What about the plumber who is supposed to show up between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m., so you take the day off to let them in, and they still aren’t there at 6 p.m.? Or that movie that you have been waiting for months to watch, then you sit there so excited in the theater with your popcorn, only to come out 2 or 3 hours later wishing that you could get those hours of your life back. Life is full of letdowns. We also often let them take over how we feel about ourselves.
If your child fails a test, you are messing up as a parent. A peer gets a promotion over you…the walls just come crumbling around about “what did I do wrong?” Perhaps a partner cheats, then all we can think about is what they were missing at home? Every time something goes even slightly wrong, we sit and stew over what we did and how we let things (often beyond our control) mess up our lives.
The truth is…no matter what we do, we are all a disappointment to someone. As much as that hurts our ego, once we make peace with that, it becomes a bit easier to make sense of who we want to be. A better person. That’s the goal every day.
Personally, I’ve tried to make up for the things I did to let my loved ones down. On my child’s 20th birthday, we went to St. Augustine to make up for the 7th-grade field trip I couldn’t chaperone because I was called in to work, and, at the time, money was more important than the adventure. That trip came with the comment, “You know what next year is, right, Mom?” (Be careful, parents, because they will remember those promises and hold you to them.) So, they did get a trip to Vegas to ring in 21, because I said when they were 7 that I would take them for that big day. I try to be a woman of my word, even if it’s years later. Eventually, I will fulfill my promises. Or do my best to do something equivalent.
I tried to be that woman who had it all together, but it was pretty clear it was a roll call of disappointments in all aspects of my life. But I will stand up proudly for one of those motivational posters, like the cat hanging by a cord, and scream, “I TRIED!”
We all have those moments where our hair is in disarray, our spirits are sour, and we are beating ourselves up for not being who we “should be.” Please, (as a dear friend once told me) put the bat down. Stop beating yourself up, and just try to be the best person that you can be. The truth is that, although those thoughts are valid, they aren’t always factual. If we expect others to understand our foibles, how can we not forgive theirs or our own?
My favorite people on the planet are very flawed, and I love them for their perfect imperfection, as they do me. The real trick is admitting when you mess up. It is a difficult thing to do, but a “Sorry, I am a jerk” goes a long way.
All we can do is try to be true to our word. We are human; we are fallible. That is not an excuse for bad behavior. Do what you say you are going to do. Be a person of your word. And if you mess up, own up to it.
I disappointed my Pulp City readers and fremily this month, as this column is weeks late. I could make excuses about what a crazy month it’s been, but this is me owning up to it.
I just hope that you will all forgive me. And that I can make it up to you in the future.
Be Kind,
JRT
