Volume 2: The Friend Who Got Away

We all have that friend, or after a certain age, probably more, that we are no longer in touch with for whatever reason. I am not talking about them passing away (that is for another time)… instead, they were someone that was incredibly important to you for a period of time… and then POOF they were gone, but you still think about them on the regular. Like a shadow of your past that you wish that you could get back, even for just a moment. No matter what happened between you two, you still miss them and long for the good times you shared.

Maybe you grew away from each other. Perhaps you got in a fight over something and were never able to reconcile. You thought they were “toxic” or just plain annoying and cut ties, or vice versa? Disagreements over politics or life moving in different directions; the reasons for parting ways are all varied and valid. It definitely does not make it hurt any less.

My husband and I are opposite in this area. If someone earns a place in my heart, they will always be there. This has kicked me in the butt (and wallet) many times. I have given 2nd, 3rd, and 11th chances to people because I like to believe they deserve respect, and we can grow as we age.  Whereas if he is wronged by a friend, he no longer has interest in them. He can hold a grudge like no one I have ever known. However, every once in a while, he will reminisce about the good times with someone he no longer speaks to, and I can see the pain in his eyes as he misses his friend. Even a lasting resentment can still make a person haunt us. Often feeling diminished by them. We wonder how they are doing. And secretly hope that they think about us, as well.

This is part of the human condition. It’s a natural response. We make connections; people become very important to us, and no matter why the relationship ended… we miss what once was. It’s a bittersweet part of life. The memories of the past and the pain of the knowledge that those people will no longer be our future. Whatever the reason on either side, a part of you hurts that they will not be in memories yet to come.

With social media, it’s a lot easier to keep in touch with old friends. It gives us all a small sense of still being connected, even on a somewhat impersonal level. Then you think of your “friend” and reach out, you might get a response or find out that you have been blocked. And your heart breaks, wondering what you really did? Rejection when you don’t know why… is a difficult pill to swallow. 

Let’s not forget the very awkward times that you and your “ex-friend” happen to run into each other in public. You used to know them so well, but the encounter is almost like you’re strangers.  You are both thinking the same thing. “Should I say hi?” “Just avoid eye contact.” Or “Should we start a fight and see who sides with whom?” The truth is that there is no winning this battle. What we are really fighting is our inner selves and how much we miss the person who, at one point, was indispensable in our lives… and now they are gone. Coming to terms with those thoughts keeps me awake at night.

The old adage that “people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime” kicks me in the gut sometimes, because the ones I always thought would be a lifetime just turned out to be a really long season. And then those that I never expected ended up being a lifetime. So I try to focus on the reason. I can not count how many times I have been in a rough spot, and someone came out of the universe from nowhere…from my past, a small meeting, or just that we hadn’t been around each other for a long time to help me get through.

I have very vivid dreams, always things that could actually be my reality. I will wake up questioning whether it really happened or I dreamt it. Last week, I called my older brother asking, “Are you coming over for dinner tomorrow, or did I dream that?” He laughed, knowing me well, and just stated, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

So when I have a dream about someone I haven’t talked to in a long time or who is technically no longer my friend, I sit with it, questioning what to do. Should I try to contact them? Just ignore it? Or just deal with the memories going on in my head?